We spend so much time, effort and energy keeping our walls up, trying our damnedest not to let a crack in our shells.
Understandably so. We started building those walls as we grew, as we began to realize that the world wasn't always the friendly place we thought it was when we were more innocent and less experienced.
People, we saw to our horror and dismay, could shout, scream, curse, and kick us when we least expected it. We could be called names, shamed, and ridiculed. We could lose what we most loved and gain what we most hated.
In order to function properly, we did what we had to do in order to survive: we erected walls to keep those bad experiences out. The function of those walls was to serve as a barrier or buffer against life's painful experiences, but we still planned on letting in the joyful experiences.
The problem with walls is that they don't filter out the good from the bad. They minimize the feeling of the joys along with the pains.
You're fully grown now, and you have a much better perspective on the world. You can see that all those things that happened to you actually had almost nothing to do with you, needn't reflect on you and who you are.
What would happen if you started deconstructing some of those walls?
It would probably be intense. You'd surely have some past pain to catch up with. And for a while, it may feel like the end of the world as you know it.
But it wouldn't be the end of the world. More like just the beginning.
You'd be like a chick that finally hatched after all that time being cooped up inside a cramped eggshell. Suddenly you'd be living life outside the shell, without your walls acting as a massive filter to keep life out there and you "safe" over here.
It would be scary. You'd be vulnerable to life's cruelties again.
But you're grown now. You know enough to know you have a choice, that you don't have to take life personally. You know you can feel pain and let it pass without having to go through the great effort of trying to block it out (which doesn't work all that well anyway, and has a lot of negative side-effects).
Without your walls, you would be living life as it is -- not life as you want it to be, demand it to be or think it should be.
You would no longer be living life from the lens of your mind anymore.
You'd be living life as as newly hatched chick. Fresh, innocent, simple, free.
This Time Around
Must have had my fill of keeping life at bay.
Got a crack in my shell the other day.
Now, through the crack, life suddenly courses.
Nobody needs to call the king’s horses.
Nor do they need to call the king’s men.
This time around,
I’m letting life in.
Your Perfect Destiny
By dropping mind content
and coming into the full sensory
awareness of the moment,
you open up to Self in more of its
fullness than the mind
can possibly know.
This is to know your Self.
Drop the mind and let in the
moment in its entirety, in
its full felt, lived expression.
Your perfect destiny is
always unfolding in this moment.
Poem from Notes to Self: Meditations on Being
“But how,” you ask, “Can I stop thinking?”
You can’t actually. But you can stop putting so much emphasis on your thoughts.
You can also regularly ask yourself who you really are, which puts you in touch with your essential self and minimizes your mind’s stranglehold over you.
If all else fails, meditate. No fancy bells and whistles required. All you have to do is just sit there and be.
We've all had those expansive moments of opening when we see the divine in ourselves, in everyone and everything. This often follows an "a-ha" moment or a deep insight into the truth of our being. We feel connected with ourselves, and as a result with everyone around us.
When connected with our self, there's an innate, unspoken knowing that everything is fine, has always been fine, will always be fine. On some inner level we get that life is okay, just as it is.
Ever been in that space, only to "lose" it some moments, days, months or years later? Maybe you had a huge spiritual opening that profoundly silenced the mind for a period, and you finally had a glimpse into what all the saints and sages have been saying all this while. Wow! You feel so at peace and in harmony with life! You can't believe you didn't see this all along.
And then for whatever reason, you eventually or suddenly find yourself back to your usual mode of perceiving life. You find yourself struggling and fighting for your way, for more of what you want and for less of what you don't want. Before you know it, you're feeling contracted and you're operating more from ego mode than from expansive awareness mode.
When that sense of self-connectedness appears to disappear, for whatever reason, often the first thing to go with it is the trust in life's okay-ness. And when we lose this sense of "all-is-fineness," our perception, of course, is usually that something or many things are no longer fine, okay or quite all right -– including our very inability to see that everything is, in fact, fine, okay and just as "right" as it's always been.
It's actually just a subtle, tricky mind game that you can see past if you're willing to let go of the notion that there's something wrong with those moments when you're not seemingly connected.
Those moments do come and go. Often they come in times of stress, hardship and difficulty. Things start to feel tight, contracted, and next thing you know you think you've messed something up or somehow managed to "lose" something that you once had. For some, it becomes a struggle and fight to get back to the "promised land." But that is just more fight, and less promised land.
The good news is that the promised land never disappears from under or around us. It's just easier to label it as "the promised land" when it's flowing with milk and honey than when all the milk and honey have dried up and you're blistering in the heat of the desert sun.
Just keep on marching, step-by-step, blister-by-blister. You don't have to cross the desert to reach the promised land. The desert, and every step you make in it, is already it. Once you come to terms with this, those blisters will sting less and you'll breathe a little easier.
What if you lose connection with the deepest truth that you were once so strongly hit with and that truth is no longer obvious for a minute, a day, a year or even a few decades? Does that make that truth any less true?
Of course not! Truth doesn't depend on whether we recognize it or not. Truth is truth. It's never gone anywhere and it never will. It's you that's gone on a detour. Just recognize that, and realize that it's the way you're being danced, for now.
And trust. Eventually, you will return to Source, just as water returns to the ocean. It's inevitable. So take a deep breath, and enjoy your life, just how it is, blisters and all.
In the midst of life's shadows,
it is natural at times, to
lose sight of Self.
When in the midst of one of
life's "contractions," learn how
to make space around it.
It's just a matter of surrendering,
of relaxing past the contractions
as they come your way -
letting go in the face of
Just a gal experimenting with what it means to live outside of mind.
Read more about Notes to Self, the "manual" on living beyond mind.